Sincerely Me.. SPC

Baring my soul again…God help me…

Here goes another Self Portrait Challenge

The last of “getting to know me”

Sunday June 4^th I will be crossing… or for lack of a better term… confronting a mild milestone.

No longer “early thirties”

But not yet “late thirties”

Right smack dab in the middle!

Am I WHO I thought I would be at this point in my life?

NO

Am I WHERE I thought I would be at this point in my life?

Definitely not!

Where does my mind tell me I should be?

With a BA degree

In a fabulous career that utilizes the creative side of me.

A healthy savings/checking account and a business on the side that has

something to do with dogs.. or art….

Where does my heart tell me I should be?

A stay-at-home-Mom/Homemaker with 2 lovely children to care for. Dinner on the table every night for my husband. Sundays busy with baking pies, having afternoon tea, and the house filled with an aromatic smell of homemade soup. Weekdays with the children filled with extracurricular activities such as day trips to the beach, zoo and long neighborhood walks. Teaching them how important the little things are and how everyday matters. Reliving the little important things through them….. Them teaching me, me teaching them.

            I recently came across a journal I wrote in when I was 22.

It spoke of having children within the next couple of years.

Here I am.. 13 years later.. no kids..

At 22  I was naïve as to how much it takes to have/care for children.

Patience

The ability to teach

The ability to learn as much from them

You no longer live for yourself.. you live for them..

Stability etc etc etc

(Amongst a few)

I am in a much better place now to be able to provide those things,(??) but with

age comes wisdom, and with age I think comes more fear to tackle the things we were once naive of.

Where AM I now?

In a dead end career that that seems to suck the life out of me

and is way beyond anything creative., no children. (and not due to my not wanting them per say)

And am in desperate need of an attitude adjustment.

On the brighter side.. I am in an “art” place where I really never thought I would be.(If someone would have told me at 22 that in my thirties I would have been published in X amount of magazines with my art endeavors I would have said they were crazy!)

I have made terrific friends and have met the most amazing people in my entire life!

Is my WHO/WHERE I thought I’d be list unattainable? NO, not really…(all by the grace of God) so what would stop me???

FEAR.. (fear of failing.. or succeeding .. I don’t know)

It all stems back to FEAR (fear that has engulfed me since a very young age)

Fear to step out of the “norm” (which is so contradictory to an artist way)

I envy those people who are “not yet late thirties, but not early thirties” who embrace their fear.

Who stare at it head on to conquer… I want to ask them.. how did you get to that point?

Comments

[D'Ann]

I sat here reading this and thought why don't you take credit for the amazing, incredible person that you are and have become? Stacie you have so many qualities that some people only wish to have,your looks your talent, and all of your every being and soul. I think you touch lifes every day and it may be in a small way or a big way but you do it, not many people can say that. I just want to to know how wonderfull you are and know that as long as you keep dreaming your dreams can come true. do what makes you happy and take care of you.

[hope]

How did I miss this - after a hard week at the day job, I was actually SOBBING and telling Mike these same excat hings - about where I always thought I would be by now (I am not far behind you in age) - and it is fear, circumstance, whatever - but I am not where I thought I would be and it gets me down. Not all the time, but it does. Soooo much of what you said hits my thoughts right on.

As for you - no matter where you think you should be, or where you are, or your age... you ARE WONDERFUL! xo!

[Jana]

Run after your dreams, Stacie. Chase them, tackle them down and don't allow this fear to grip you any longer. The grace of God can break you free of those chains and allow you to do the things you've dreamed of. You do need to be a mom, you have so much love to give and you are ready, trust me. I SO want you to be happy & fulfilled in every area of your life so you won't ever look back & have any regrets.

[Melba]

Fear shows up again and again in life. Sometimes it is masked as other things. Recently I realized that fear is still in my life and I think it is the fear of the unknown.
I think to move in the direction we want to go in life we need smart faith and dedicated action. We need to believe and we need to do.
I am an admirer of your art. I wish you well on your journey.

[Marie]

Happy Birthday Stacie...
and take heart in the thought that perhaps you are supposed to enjoy your time to make art and grow in that lovely acre, before you have children to worry and fuss over.
..and take that nasty pebble of fear and put it in your bottom drawer. It may not go away, but you do not have to carry it with you every day!
art hugs
Marie
xox

[erika]

Congrats on the birthday! Like you, I had trouble when I hit "the middle" in February! Hmm, I have 3 little ones and what I wouldn't give for a couple of moments of peace or even a job to go to! Funny how the grass is always greener...cheers to you and your fabulous thirties!

[Teresa]

I remember being 35 and totally afraid, but yet excited to do something different in my or with my life. I chose to go back to school to get that degree also, and now at 43, I can tell you it was perfect timing and I am very glad I did it. So good luck to you, remember to go after your dreams and don't be afraid. Fear is nothing more then "False Emotion Appearing Real"

[joleen]

I really appreciated this post. I'm one who believes that age is, in a way, a state of mind. I've always been older for my age but as I grow as a person I think about those previous naivetes. I'm only 23 now but have come so far along since I first started thinking about having children. I wanted kids when I was 18! Now, I've come to realize that the longer I wait the more mature and able I become. I read old journals and sometimes laugh at how I viewed myself and life. Every year I've grown more as a person and in my relationship with my husband. Every year waited we've become more financially and emotionally able. I guess I'm just trying to say is that the age doesn't really matter. Think of all the things you HAVE achieved in these past 13 years... a wonderful relationship.. a pet mother.. I think your upper 30's are going to prove to be your best years yet. I look forward to sharing them with you, my friend. :)