
Baring my soul again…God help me…
Here goes another Self Portrait Challenge
The last of “getting to know me”
Sunday June 4th I will be crossing… or for lack of a better term… confronting a mild milestone.
No longer “early thirties”
But not yet “late thirties”
Right smack dab in the middle!
Am I WHO I thought I would be at this point in my life?
NO
Am I WHERE I thought I would be at this point in my life?
Definitely not!
Where does my mind tell me I should be?
With a BA degree
In a fabulous career that utilizes the creative side of me.
A healthy savings/checking account and a business on the side that has
something to do with dogs.. or art….
Where does my heart tell me I should be?
A stay-at-home-Mom/Homemaker with 2 lovely children to care for. Dinner on the table every night for my husband. Sundays busy with baking pies, having afternoon tea, and the house filled with an aromatic smell of homemade soup. Weekdays with the children filled with extracurricular activities such as day trips to the beach, zoo and long neighborhood walks. Teaching them how important the little things are and how everyday matters. Reliving the little important things through them….. Them teaching me, me teaching them.
I recently came across a journal I wrote in when I was 22.
It spoke of having children within the next couple of years.
Here I am.. 13 years later.. no kids..
At 22 I was naïve as to how much it takes to have/care for children.
Patience
The ability to teach
The ability to learn as much from them
You no longer live for yourself.. you live for them..
Stability etc etc etc
(Amongst a few)
I am in a much better place now to be able to provide those things,(??) but with
age comes wisdom, and with age I think comes more fear to tackle the things we were once naive of.
Where AM I now?
In a dead end career that that seems to suck the life out of me
and is way beyond anything creative., no children. (and not due to my not wanting them per say)
And am in desperate need of an attitude adjustment.
On the brighter side.. I am in an “art” place where I really never thought I would be.(If someone would have told me at 22 that in my thirties I would have been published in X amount of magazines with my art endeavors I would have said they were crazy!)
I have made terrific friends and have met the most amazing people in my entire life!
Is my WHO/WHERE I thought I’d be list unattainable? NO, not really…(all by the grace of God) so what would stop me???
FEAR.. (fear of failing.. or succeeding .. I don’t know)
It all stems back to FEAR (fear that has engulfed me since a very young age)
Fear to step out of the “norm” (which is so contradictory to an artist way)
I envy those people who are “not yet late thirties, but not early thirties” who embrace their fear.
Who stare at it head on to conquer… I want to ask them.. how did you get to that point?